Could it really be that simple?

I am sorry I haven't been here in such a long time. I didn't intend to take a break from blogging, but apparently I needed one, and by the time I realized it, I needed to stay away enough that I couldn't even come post that I needed to take a break. I apologize for my abrupt departure. And I am not sure if I am back yet or not.

Once again, there is so much to share that it seems overwhelming but really the bottom line is that my PA (psychiatrist's assistant) changed my meds. And it worked. Really really worked.

She was concerned that even with an increase of the Prozac to 70mg/day I still wasn't getting better. In fact I started getting worse, with symptoms of Tardive Dyskinesia.

At one appointment she said, we've been treating this all along as depression with a side of anxiety. But your anxiety always comes first before the depression, so let's try treating this as an anxiety disorder with a side of depression. She has me slowly lowering the Prozac dose by 10mg/month (I'm now down to 40mg/day) which helped relieve the TD. And then she put me on Buspirone.

Buspirone is my new best friend. For the first time since I was about eleven, I can just sit and be, without needing to fix something or do something or even feel guilty about sitting and being. For the first time in a very long time, I feel calm.

I've been taking some time for myself, time to read without guilt, reconnect with friends without pressure, time to do some of the things I want to do and let go of the things I think I should do. (That's where the break from blogging came in.)

This was the first year that Pesach cleaning was not a source of panic and anxiety. I actually enjoyed getting the kitchen clean and into order. I was relaxed and a day ahead of schedule until I got sick (24 hour bug) and even then I was relaxed and catching up. It was amazing.

Life has slowed down a bit for me, though I am still dealing with the same small children and all the same volunteer activities. But now with the new meds, I can go for a walk in the morning with a cup of coffee, enjoy the sights and sounds, and even taking out this 30 minutes just for me, I am actually more productive during the rest of my day. I work a little more slowly, but I get more done. I don't entirely understand that, but I like it.

Meanwhile, I am very aware that I'm coming up on one year since my miscarriage and the delivery and burial of my daughter. I'm a little sad but I feel at peace with it. I am still hoping, baruch Hashem, to have another baby, but I also have come to terms with the possibility that it might not happen.

I am also off the Lunesta, finally. I was very sick with strep throat for a week right after Pesach and couldn't take any medication at all. By the time I was better, I decided I wanted to try sleeping naturally. Sleep is still elusive; last night I slept from 2-3:30 a.m. and 5-7 a.m. That's it. If I need to, I'll go back on the Lunesta, but I'm still hoping to do this one thing med free.

For now, as long as I have my Buspirone I'm happy. Finally.