I do not remember it being this hard

the last time I was pregnant. I don't remember constant morning-noon-night sickness and fatigue that won't let up. I don't remember only being able to walk from the parking lot to the store entrance and then needing to sit and rest before continuing my errands. I don't remember bouncing from elation to fear about having another child.

My husband does. According to him, this is the only way women are willing to go through this all again to have more children, if we forget the day to day difficulties. I can understand that.

My depression seems to be completely gone, but the odd concurrent problem is that I'm frequently so nauseous that it's hard to take medication, including my depression meds. I am under medicated right now but trying to get back on track. Maybe if I hid the pill in a spoonful of chocolate frozen yogurt?

Pesach has me completely freaking out. I don't have the energy to clean the way I should and my husband is doing what he can, and quite willingly, but I'm afraid it's just not going to be the same this year.

One of my favorite Pesach dishes is called Turkish Pie and is a wonderful mixture of ground beef and onions, cooked for an insanely long time, like three hours, and then placed into a shell made of softened matzo so you have something like a meat/onion pie. I look forward to it every year, and it takes pretty much all day to make. This year, I can't stand to be around the smell of cooking meat or onions of any kind. I guess I will have to wait until next year.

I'm very worried about controlling my morning sickness with kosher l'Pesach products. Saltines are my best friend right now, and I just worry that matzo won't do the trick. My previous pregnancies never took place over Pesach, so this is a first.

On a much more positive note, I have had some strange cravings at various times:

• Pineapple
• Caesar salad
• Poultry
• Potato salad
• Chocolate frozen yogurt
• Orange juice

I guess they're not that strange. In previous pregnancies, I craved tuna noodle casserole, pickles, Greek olives, rainbow sherbet, salsa, and Coke icees. I see there's progress here: this time there's more fruit/veggies and proteins and fewer sugars and carbs. :)

Maybe I should call myself the new improved Rivka. No longer (for now) depressed. Just hormone-enhanced. ;)

G-d has a sense of humor

I know I have not posted in quite some time. The depression got a little better, then a little worse, then a little bit more better. And then it just plateaued. I wasn't exactly happy, wasn't exactly hopeless and down. Just sort of existing.

And then I got really really tired, which made sense because of the higher dose of meds. So with my doctor's consent, I adjusted my meds down a bit.

And then I got sick.

Every morning.

So I peed on a stick and it seems now is the time G-d has decided was appropriate to bless us with the likelihood (G-d willing that all goes well) of another child.

Now I don't know what is going on. My emotions are not quite back to where they were before but now I've got hormones running the show. I can't separate what is depression and what is pregnancy.

The doctors all think this is probably why the depression was so severe this time. Normal depression + pregnancy hormones = scary.

By April I will have a whole team working with me: counselor, psychiatrist, obstetrician, OB nurse, primary physician. The plan, since I have the long history of depression and a well documented history of severe postpartum depression, is to stay on the Prozac. It is well tested and the benefits, especially at this dosage, far outweigh the risks. It will be monitored closely after birth, with no hesitations to increase it in order to head off the worst of the PPD. I feel comfortable with this plan.

I have my first OB appointment next week. I am so glad that my strength is slowly returning, even though it is tempered by the pregnancy exhaustion, and I can be alert and involved. I am glad I was not hospitalized for the depression and they didn't try changing up my meds. Who knows what that could have done to a developing embryo.

This all is a big reason why I haven't been blogging much lately. I feel nauseated pretty much all day and all night. I have a package of soda crackers nearby at all times. I have no idea what I'm going to do during Pesach if I'm still having morning/noon/night sickness. I don't know if matzo will accomplish the same thing. I don't know how I'm going to get my house cleaned for Pesach. I have decided I will not be hosting a seder this year. I may be depressed and pregnant, but I'm not a masochist.

On the other hand, G-d willing all goes well, we will be welcoming another life into our family around Sukkot. Talk about welcoming strangers! What an amazing, incredible gift. I am truly blessed.

My life in lyrics II

It´s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing´s in my way.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna hold me down.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna change my mind.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

I´ve known the wind so cold, and seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I´ve been through the fire and I´ve been through the rain.
But I´ll be fine.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith.

I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long road.

***
Enterprise Main Title
Available on the Broken Bow soundtrack
Lyrics by Diane Warren
Vocal by Russell Watson
Source: http://www.startreksoundtracks.com/lyrics/sts-lyrics-wheremyheart.html