Monday, May 21, 2007

Why, G-d?

I must announce at this time the birth--and death--of our beautiful daughter at 18 1/2 weeks gestation. I am heartbroken.

There is so much to say but the words won't come. I am exhausted and sore and empty. There is little in the way of Jewish ritual to deal with this.

I miss her. I miss feeling her kick inside me. I miss dreaming and thinking about welcoming her into our family. I miss the security of knowing we would at last have our long-prayed-for third child. I am sad I will never get to know her, never learn her hopes and dreams, never watch her find her own way, never hold her little hand in mine, never kiss her sweet face.

We do not know yet what happened, other than that when I went into the doctor's because I had the stomach flu, they could not find a heartbeat. Three ultrasounds and two hours later it was confirmed. There was no heartbeat. She had died, as much as a week or two earlier.

Labor was induced the next day and I labored for 9 1/2 hours and with one push she was out. We held her tiny body and marveled at how developed she was. Her hands were the size of my little finger's nail. Her knuckles and fingernails were exquisite. She had long slender fingers.

We will have a short private funeral/burial tomorrow. I don't want to say goodbye. I want to still be pregnant.

It is not fair. This pregnancy helped me out of my depression last winter. It was a promise of hope, that life goes on, that it's worth going on. And now? Now it's taken away. It feels like a cruel joke. I worry that this will send me right back into depression.

My meds have been adjusted to deal with this and whatever postpartum depression might follow. My care team is in place. We know we will try again.

But this doesn't change the fact that my baby is dead. And I am heartbroken.

17 comments:

Ezer K'negdo said...

There are no words to take away your heartbreak. My prayers are with you and your baby and your family. EK

Anonymous said...

Baruch Dayan Emes.

Scraps said...

Baruch Dayan Ha-Emet. I am so, so sorry for your loss. :(

Jack's Shack said...

Baruch Dayan Emet

DAG said...

I am so sorry...ATIME has some resources, if you would like, email me for the information

There are no words...

Ezzie said...

There are no words...

Amen. Baruch Dayan Emet.

Ayelet said...

I wish there was something to do or say that would make the pain go away. Virtual hugs and real-life prayers coming your way...

Chana said...

Baruch Dayan HaEmet. My heart aches for you...

rabbi without a cause said...

oh. no.

I feel stupid saying I'm so sorry, but I am. As has been noted, there are no words. It's just awful.

May G-d send you comforters who know how to help, what to do and what to say.

Shira Salamone said...

I have no words. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Rafi G said...

I amsorry for your loss. there is nothing really one can say, other than Baruch Dayan Ha'emes, and be strong.

health watch center said...

There are no words for your loss, very sorry about what you are going through now.

Evahava said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe you can go to this website www.fridaylight.org and light Shabbat candles in your baby’s memory. My prayers are with you.

mother in israel said...

I am so sorry. Please let us know how you are doing.

Jack's Shack said...

I hope that you are doing ok. Let us know.

Scraps said...

It's been a long time without an update from you. I hope you're doing all right under the circumstances.

Rivka said...

Thank you all for your condolences. It touches me that so many care. It means a lot.

Thank you. Very much.