Friday, July 20, 2007

Anxious

Anxiety takes a lot of energy. I should be fixing lunch for my children right now, then getting challah started so it will be ready in time for dinner tonight. Instead I am sitting here feeling exhausted and anxious and wishing only for sleep and an end to my anxiety.

This time I think my anxiety is really caused by real things happening in my life. I don't think it's all chemical but I acknowledge my brain chemistry might make it less tolerable than it would be for others.

We are awaiting a decision on financial aid for our children to attend the only Jewish day school around. If we do not get it, they will have to go to public school.

We have to refinance our house because our current mortgage is an adjustable-rate one and it adjusts big time next month.

We are facing an unlikely but still possible 10% wage cut.

So I am anxious. And Shabbat is nearly here again and the rabbi is back and I just have so many conflicting feelings about going back.

I had a dream the other night about having a meeting with my counselor and my rabbi and my husband and me. Sort of like a team approach to helping me cope when things are bad, and even when things are okay, or dare I say, good. But then I am back to what is appropriate to ask for. Maybe all I can regularly expect is for him to announce page numbers.

Just thinking about this I feel tears coming. It hurts so much and I've been so disappointed though there have been good times as well, and leaving just isn't an option. There aren't really any alternatives that are better.

I'm just so tired thinking about all of this. So I will go make my children and me some lunch and maybe that will energize me so I can make challah. (There is no place to go buy challah here today.)

I will be in shul tomorrow. Wish me strength--I may need it. Gut shabbos.

2 comments:

Ayelet said...

Is the school aware that without the financial aid you would be forced to send the kids to public school? It makes me furious to think they could reconcile their consciences with forcing such a decision! I can definitely understand how all these things can trigger major anxiety. I find it helps me to think over and over that it is all in G-d's hands and He really wants what is best for me because He loves more than I can imagine. Rivka, G-d loves you more than you can imagine (because a convert is as Jewish as I am :)).

Definitely work through the high expectations thing with your therapist. It is such a source of anxiety for so many people, not just yourself. So often it's a powerful remnant of feelings of inadequacy or not being "good enough" while growing up. It's amazing how powerful our feelings are and how they can really distort our perception of reality. The more you learn to recognize that your perception is not the reality, the better you are able to cope with your feelings and align your own expectations with reality rather than distorted perceptions. You'll find that you're pretty wonderful after all and way better than "good enough"!

*hugs* Shavu'a tov.

Halfnutcase said...

schools can and do force kids to go to public school because they don't have enough money. It happened to me when I was going in to 1st grade.