Thursday, August 2, 2007

Promise fulfilled but still waiting

I contacted my rabbi today and left a message. I have not yet heard back but it is early yet.

I agonized over what to say, how to say it. How much do I say? How little? I found myself using words like, if it is at all possible, and, is there any way.

My husband says I do this routinely, asking for a favor instead of asking for what I want. He says what I project is a sense that I am not worthy of asking you for this terrible imposition so I will request it as a favor and if you deny it I will completely understand since I am not worthy to be asking in the first place.

I did not know I do that, but once my husband pointed it out, I saw it very well in what I originally planned to say to my rabbi. I had built in escapes for his benefit and at my expense.

I didn't think my self esteem was quite that low. I thought I had made much more progress.

I hope that this projection of not being worthy is not the reason behind my not finding or receiving the support I need, or even why my suggestions for ways to help provide others with support are brushed aside.

I wonder if I can fix this before I meet with my rabbi, if I really do get to meet with him. Would that really make a difference?

3 comments:

Juggling Frogs said...

No matter the result, no matter what happens between now and then, no matter what, you have every reason to be very proud of yourself for taking this step.

You have courage. Courage is acting despite fear, not in the absence of it.

Good for you.

Good has already come of this step. Good for you.

rabbi without a cause said...

Rivka,

Thank you for taking this step.

And please don't blame yourself - lack of assertiveness, projection of unworthiness - for other people's failure to respond. Be positive, you reached out, today is a good day.

Rivka said...

Juggling Frogs: Thank you, though I find it hard to feel anything other than anxious at the moment. I do truly hope good will come of this, for all involved.

Rabbi WAC: Thank you. I will try not to. :)