I called my counselor today. She only had a moment when she returned my message, another client was waiting, but she created a new appointment for me next Wednesday. By then I should know if the medication is working.
Today I was trembling all day, anxiety trapped in the confines of my body. I can still focus on a task. I remember how much painting helped after my pregnancy loss, so I started to paint my kitchen. It is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I am doing small sections at a time. Today I primed one half of one wall.
This weekend is a big one for my oldest child, with a major school program on Sunday. A smaller program is tomorrow afternoon, part of welcoming Shabbos. He is nervous because he is performing. I am nervous because I need to hold myself together.
You all are right: my perspective is flawed. Even the way I see myself in the mirror is skewed from what it was a couple of weeks ago. I do not like what I see.
My friend D called tonight to see how I was doing but I was too tired to talk long. Another friend came over this afternoon and helped with my kitchen while we talked.
I want to hide from shul but I will not. I need to face this. It doesn't have to be a repeat of last year or the many years prior.
I am still anxious and scared and worried the crash is coming, but I am trying my best to use my coping skills to get through the minute, the hour, the day.
Waiting for what, I do not know. Perhaps it's as simple as peace. I wait and cope, hoping that peace will come soon.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Rivka,
Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself. Can you go with a friend to your child's school?
Everyone Needs Therapy reminded me that everyone needs sunshine. Maybe a walk around the block will help a bit.
Take care.
Thinking of you. Remember that hopelessness is the faulty logic mechanism. The reality is that hope is always alive and things will get and feel better soon.
I have been thinking of you. I think it is brave of you to have this blog and to share with it's readers the troubles you have had both emotionally and within a kehilla.
i am an orthodax jewish woman, diagnosed with severe, recurrent major depression, and can relate to much of what you're written.
you are a source of inspiration to me. thank you.
edited for accidental double posting.
Just wanted to poke my head to say that I hope you are hanging in there.
Post a Comment