Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Threatening to burst

Tonight I am tense. I am barely able to breathe. I am dizzy. I feel like whatever is going on inside of me cannot be contained by the confines of my body. I feel a little like I am going crazy.

Today I had only three flashbacks. I could actually feel what I felt so many years ago. I had nightmares last night and woke disoriented and panicked. I have been paralyzed by my warring thoughts and emotions. Yes, this all happened/No, this couldn't possibly have happened. My dad did things he should not have done/Not my dad! He loved me! My feelings are normal/I'm just trying to get attention.

I think I should call my counselor tomorrow, or maybe even tonight, but I don't know what to say.

It is too much. I want to curl up into myself and escape. I want to not feel for a while. I crave release.

9 comments:

Leah said...

Rivka,

Take a deep breath, and tell yourself that you are okay. When I was going through flashbacks (physical, mental and emotional - often simultaneously), I had a series of things that I did, no matter where I was or with whom I was. I developed these with a survivor friend and my therapist. (For me it included saying out loud the day/date and saying that it wasn't the past. Saying out loud that I was safe - even listing all the ways that I was safe and in control - unlike when I was a toddler/child/teen - also helped. I would get a safe object (I suggest something small and safe that will help ground you) and I would then call a friend. Of course, I offer this advise as a sister survivor, not a therapist. Keep writing, keep getting it out, keep finding safety.

Your sister survivor,
Leah

Shira Salamone said...

*Please* see your counselor! If you don't know what to say, maybe that's something your counselor can help you with. Just do what you need to do to stay safe, emotionally and physically.

Feel free to write to me off-blog, if you'd like.

Anonymous said...

I wish that we could reach out to you when you feel like this...assure you that you're not alone...feel the pain and tension and fear along with you...hold your hand through it, ground you through it...
Things will get easier.
But for now, know you're not alone.

And if you need to burst, you can. There are healthy ways to vent extreme feeling and intense emotions...

I may not know exactly how you feel, but I understood so well the feelings you described. You're not alone. You will get through this.

Take care, and may He help you come through this stronger and healthier

The Rebbetzin's Husband said...

I'm sorry I didn't see this until now. I hope you called your counselor that night.

I am not a professional counselor, but I am someone who people sometimes approach that way - and I would want them to call me in that siuation, regardless of the hour.

You are valuable, and your health is worth more than sleep.

Ayelet said...

Rivka, (I felt like saying Rivka'le, as if I was trying to soothe a little child who was trembling with extreme emotion - fear?-, rocking her in my arms and holding her so close that she would feel safe and protected)

I haven't been on the blog scene in months but something made me check on you. The pain you're experiencing is so very real. As much as I wish I could just erase it with some magic wand, I know that the only way for you to rule over yourself is to confront the monster, know it well, and put it in its place where it can't hurt you anymore and control you anymore. It's so difficult. It seems like it would hurt less just to leave it buried. But if you did that, you risk never feeling like you - the real, happy you. And so the monster must be dug out and battled, head-on. You can do it. You're strong. You're a warrior. G-d wants you to win.

Many prayers are joining together on your behalf.

Ayelet said...

G'mar Chatima Tova. May the new year bring health, happiness, and all that's good for you and your family.

Scraps said...

Rivka,

I'll admit that I haven't checked in a long time, because for awhile I kept checking back and you hadn't posted.

I am so, so sorry that this happened to you...that you were hurt in such a deeply personal way by someone who should have loved you and protected you from harm. You don't know me, you have no idea who I am, but I wish you well, and you will be in my thoughts. I hope that this year brings you only closer to healing and happiness.

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Rivka said...

Thank you all. Your support, even when I am not posting, means a lot to me.