I am so tired tonight but I wanted to write about the good things that have happened or are happening here. It is a wonderful feeling to know that good things are going on, even as there are pockets of sadness and grief around me.
My neighbor's 16-year-old Akita, one of the gentlest dogs I've ever met, died today. We are sad for their family and ours--we'll miss him too--yet for the first time, I don't feel my own happiness over recent good tidings diminished.
The first bit of very good news is that we did receive the financial aid we asked for. This is an incredible relief. We try to make ends meet on one salary and my husband is certainly not a highly paid doctor or lawyer or similar professional. But I am so pleased that we can still provide a Jewish education for our children. It is so important to me that they have this strong start, this confident identity as they begin their school careers.
The second bit of good news is that I am gaining some perspective on the rabbi issue. I have not seen him in weeks and this is okay with me. I think that perhaps I need to be very, very, very direct with him. I think perhaps I was expecting him to have a greater sensitivity or a more perceptive sense of people than perhaps he really has.
I think I need to decide if I'm going to continue to fall through the cracks or not, and if not, then I have to make myself visible and heard. If he offers to give me a referral list of Jewish counselors, then I need to ask him exactly when he might have that for me. I think I need to pin him down, metaphorically speaking. I think I need to think in terms of tasks and deadlines with him.
I also think I need to figure out exactly what I need from him, from shul, from my shul community. October is coming fast and I need to prepare for the inevitable downturn that will accompany it. There is the possibility that it won't be so bad this year, but in 22 years it has been hard, so I expect the worst and hope for the best.
Meanwhile my painting art therapy is going well and almost complete. I will have a whole new room within a week or two. I love to go out there now and just enjoy the colors and looking out the windows. I think when it is finished, it would be a nice place to daven.
So this is maybe my homework. My rabbi often invites people to come see him before he is too overwhelmed preparing for the High Holy Days, to talk about the past year or what they envision for the coming one. If I can figure out exactly what I need from him and from the shul, what do I need when I walk into the building on Shabbat or a holiday or whenever, then I can meet with him and tell him. I might even take relevant parts of What would I want my rabbi to know Part I and bring them with me.
I see my counselor this week. Maybe this is a good thing to work on. And yes, my high expectations. Those aren't going away any time soon I don't think, so they will be there to talk about. Ayelet is right that those often come from not being or feeling good enough. I know that feeling well. I grew up with it.
B'ezrat Hashem, I will have more good news on my other anxieties soon.
Showing posts with label Money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Money. Show all posts
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Anxious
Anxiety takes a lot of energy. I should be fixing lunch for my children right now, then getting challah started so it will be ready in time for dinner tonight. Instead I am sitting here feeling exhausted and anxious and wishing only for sleep and an end to my anxiety.
This time I think my anxiety is really caused by real things happening in my life. I don't think it's all chemical but I acknowledge my brain chemistry might make it less tolerable than it would be for others.
We are awaiting a decision on financial aid for our children to attend the only Jewish day school around. If we do not get it, they will have to go to public school.
We have to refinance our house because our current mortgage is an adjustable-rate one and it adjusts big time next month.
We are facing an unlikely but still possible 10% wage cut.
So I am anxious. And Shabbat is nearly here again and the rabbi is back and I just have so many conflicting feelings about going back.
I had a dream the other night about having a meeting with my counselor and my rabbi and my husband and me. Sort of like a team approach to helping me cope when things are bad, and even when things are okay, or dare I say, good. But then I am back to what is appropriate to ask for. Maybe all I can regularly expect is for him to announce page numbers.
Just thinking about this I feel tears coming. It hurts so much and I've been so disappointed though there have been good times as well, and leaving just isn't an option. There aren't really any alternatives that are better.
I'm just so tired thinking about all of this. So I will go make my children and me some lunch and maybe that will energize me so I can make challah. (There is no place to go buy challah here today.)
I will be in shul tomorrow. Wish me strength--I may need it. Gut shabbos.
This time I think my anxiety is really caused by real things happening in my life. I don't think it's all chemical but I acknowledge my brain chemistry might make it less tolerable than it would be for others.
We are awaiting a decision on financial aid for our children to attend the only Jewish day school around. If we do not get it, they will have to go to public school.
We have to refinance our house because our current mortgage is an adjustable-rate one and it adjusts big time next month.
We are facing an unlikely but still possible 10% wage cut.
So I am anxious. And Shabbat is nearly here again and the rabbi is back and I just have so many conflicting feelings about going back.
I had a dream the other night about having a meeting with my counselor and my rabbi and my husband and me. Sort of like a team approach to helping me cope when things are bad, and even when things are okay, or dare I say, good. But then I am back to what is appropriate to ask for. Maybe all I can regularly expect is for him to announce page numbers.
Just thinking about this I feel tears coming. It hurts so much and I've been so disappointed though there have been good times as well, and leaving just isn't an option. There aren't really any alternatives that are better.
I'm just so tired thinking about all of this. So I will go make my children and me some lunch and maybe that will energize me so I can make challah. (There is no place to go buy challah here today.)
I will be in shul tomorrow. Wish me strength--I may need it. Gut shabbos.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Money is the root of all anxiety
In my all too rare barely manic episodes, I have to be very careful about money. It ceases to mean anything to me and if I'm not vigilant, I can get in a lot of financial trouble. Three main things happen when I'm what's called hypomanic (a low level mania): I don't sleep much, I develop distinct obsessive/compulsive tendencies, and I go shopping.
Now it's funny, but one of my worst episodes involved a clock radio. I wanted to get a new clock radio for my husband. His had broken and he relied on his watch alarm to wake up in time for work, which didn't always succeed. The new clock radio needed a digital display that did not glow red, because red glowing things in the dark freaks me out. Guess how many that eliminated? Bear in mind this was before Internet shopping. I had to go out to the store and physically look at all the clock radios. On a sane day, I would have chosen a store with a good selection, picked out the best for my needs, and gone home. But it wasn't a sane day.
So, my mind buzzing and whirling from lack of sleep and whatever else goes on when I'm manic, I got out the telephone book and made a list of every electronics store in the city. I had about two dozen stores listed. Then I organized them so that I could visit one after the other in a largish circle rather than driving haphazardly around. I started this at 7:00am and timed my departure from my home so that I would arrive at the first store when they opened at 9:00am. I had a spreadsheet I'd drawn by hand (and ruler - to get the lines straight because what good is a spreadsheet with crooked lines?) so I could "comparison shop."
Yes, that's right. I was going to visit every single store and evaluate all of the clock radios and once I'd seen every available one, I'd choose the best and go back and get it.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to visit two dozen electronics stores over a ten-mile radius? I finished, exhausted, well after dinner. I had ruled out every clock radio I'd seen for one reason or another. But I did come home with a new answering machine, a new telephone, and a really nice mini-cassette recorder. None of which we needed, and none of which we could afford.
I love the energy I have when I'm hypomanic; I hate the behaviors. And I use the word hate sparingly and purposefully.
On the flip side, when I'm anxious or depressed, I'm constantly stressing about money. Constantly stressing that we never have enough. I know probably all of you stress about money too, but I really think this is different. At the first sign that we might not have quite enough money to meet our financial obligations, I am immediately certain that if we spent less on food, we'd come out ahead, or at least break even. So I will solve that problem by not eating. If I don't eat, that's one less person to feed and that much more money for our other commitments.
I've been doing this for over twenty years and I can't stop. As a teenager, when my depressions first started and were severe, I had to be force-fed because I'd lost 25 pounds in two weeks, dropping me to 80 lbs. My relationship with food is completely messed up, because it's both a luxury (when I think I can afford it) and a consolation (when I'm so tired and depressed and I detest myself anyway so who cares if I eat an entire pint of ice cream?).
The fear of not having enough money, even before I sit down and figure out the numbers, is enough to drive me to panicked tears, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless and looking for any reason - any reason at all - to punish myself for not making sure we had enough.
My youngest (so far) is ready for preschool. More than that, he needs the socialization and physical and mental stimulation preschool can give him that I simply can't at home. During the day, it's just the two of us. We looked into preschool and as anyone who's sent a child to preschool lately knows, it's expensive. Even the most accommodating cheders are still not free and I wouldn't want a charity education even if it were available because, in part, I know there are others who need it even more than we do.
We will work the numbers and try to make it fit and meanwhile I will try to do everything I can to not panic or starve myself or bawl my eyes out unnecessarily. It is hard. It's hard for anyone; it's a real feat when wacky brain chemistry turns a financial challenge into a feast or famine, walking that thin line between inner peace and inner punishment.
I try to remind myself of the hopes, the promises. I try to remember Yaakov avinu, whose story strikes such a chord in me. He left home under less than desirable relations with his family (like me), and years later found love, wealth, and reconciliation. His encounter with and promise from G-d is profound, and his realization that G-d is here and I didn't know it - these at least open the door to me for accepting that all will be okay, if only I let it.
Does trust negate fear? Does belief overcome doubt? Can reliance upon G-d eliminate so much dependence on money in today's world?
Now it's funny, but one of my worst episodes involved a clock radio. I wanted to get a new clock radio for my husband. His had broken and he relied on his watch alarm to wake up in time for work, which didn't always succeed. The new clock radio needed a digital display that did not glow red, because red glowing things in the dark freaks me out. Guess how many that eliminated? Bear in mind this was before Internet shopping. I had to go out to the store and physically look at all the clock radios. On a sane day, I would have chosen a store with a good selection, picked out the best for my needs, and gone home. But it wasn't a sane day.
So, my mind buzzing and whirling from lack of sleep and whatever else goes on when I'm manic, I got out the telephone book and made a list of every electronics store in the city. I had about two dozen stores listed. Then I organized them so that I could visit one after the other in a largish circle rather than driving haphazardly around. I started this at 7:00am and timed my departure from my home so that I would arrive at the first store when they opened at 9:00am. I had a spreadsheet I'd drawn by hand (and ruler - to get the lines straight because what good is a spreadsheet with crooked lines?) so I could "comparison shop."
Yes, that's right. I was going to visit every single store and evaluate all of the clock radios and once I'd seen every available one, I'd choose the best and go back and get it.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to visit two dozen electronics stores over a ten-mile radius? I finished, exhausted, well after dinner. I had ruled out every clock radio I'd seen for one reason or another. But I did come home with a new answering machine, a new telephone, and a really nice mini-cassette recorder. None of which we needed, and none of which we could afford.
I love the energy I have when I'm hypomanic; I hate the behaviors. And I use the word hate sparingly and purposefully.
On the flip side, when I'm anxious or depressed, I'm constantly stressing about money. Constantly stressing that we never have enough. I know probably all of you stress about money too, but I really think this is different. At the first sign that we might not have quite enough money to meet our financial obligations, I am immediately certain that if we spent less on food, we'd come out ahead, or at least break even. So I will solve that problem by not eating. If I don't eat, that's one less person to feed and that much more money for our other commitments.
I've been doing this for over twenty years and I can't stop. As a teenager, when my depressions first started and were severe, I had to be force-fed because I'd lost 25 pounds in two weeks, dropping me to 80 lbs. My relationship with food is completely messed up, because it's both a luxury (when I think I can afford it) and a consolation (when I'm so tired and depressed and I detest myself anyway so who cares if I eat an entire pint of ice cream?).
The fear of not having enough money, even before I sit down and figure out the numbers, is enough to drive me to panicked tears, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless and looking for any reason - any reason at all - to punish myself for not making sure we had enough.
My youngest (so far) is ready for preschool. More than that, he needs the socialization and physical and mental stimulation preschool can give him that I simply can't at home. During the day, it's just the two of us. We looked into preschool and as anyone who's sent a child to preschool lately knows, it's expensive. Even the most accommodating cheders are still not free and I wouldn't want a charity education even if it were available because, in part, I know there are others who need it even more than we do.
We will work the numbers and try to make it fit and meanwhile I will try to do everything I can to not panic or starve myself or bawl my eyes out unnecessarily. It is hard. It's hard for anyone; it's a real feat when wacky brain chemistry turns a financial challenge into a feast or famine, walking that thin line between inner peace and inner punishment.
I try to remind myself of the hopes, the promises. I try to remember Yaakov avinu, whose story strikes such a chord in me. He left home under less than desirable relations with his family (like me), and years later found love, wealth, and reconciliation. His encounter with and promise from G-d is profound, and his realization that G-d is here and I didn't know it - these at least open the door to me for accepting that all will be okay, if only I let it.
Does trust negate fear? Does belief overcome doubt? Can reliance upon G-d eliminate so much dependence on money in today's world?
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