One step back

I saw my medical doctor yesterday. She had no recommendations for a psychiatrist except to refer me to the behavioral health center within the HMO so I will continue to wait to see the psychiatrist's assistant at my counselor's clinic. She had no problem refilling my meds and said what I was taking now was still considered a low dose even though it's high to me.

My husband drove me to a meeting last night while a friend watched our children. It was very hard being around so many people but I really felt I needed to go because the speakers were talking about a topic that is important to my work. While I was there a few people I've known for a year or so asked what was wrong, if I was okay. I struggled with telling them and finally explained what was going on. They didn't even bat an eye. Well actually one said, you're doing everything you're doing and you're dealing with this? Now I'm even more impressed.

I may have overdone it though. I am so tired today and can't shake the feeling that nothing I say or do is worth much. My concentration is very bad. Last week I could still lose myself in a book or a movie, but today I can't concentrate on anything for more than about ten minutes. I just want to hide away.

I seem to remember this from last time, that it's two steps forward and one step back as I get better. For right now, I think I'll go take a nap.

Setback or truth?

The past 24 hours have gone so well that I was really hoping this was it. Now I'm not so sure.

My husband is at a training seminar and has a class tonight so I'm on my own today. I was worried about coping, about some other more mundane things going on in my life, and I wound up barely dozing between 3 and 5 this morning. I don't feel tired. Just like a failure.

I received word that the parent of a friend of mine died and though shiva doesn't begin until next week, she would like visitors. The pain surrounding my father's death is still fresh, still not processed I guess, but this friend was one who was there for me then. The least I can do is be there for her, so I'm going to visit this afternoon. And even though I'm very comfortable with her, it scares me. I don't know how well I'll hold up. I don't know how much I'll be able to give.

I was finally able to return to some work today and it felt good to have that bit of control. But without going into details, I have to deal with a lot of competition. Every time I see someone else's success, I'm really happy for them because I know how much work had to go into their success. At the same time I'm sad, because I wonder if I'll ever share it.

The depression takes that and twists it all around, that I don't deserve success, that my faults are too many, that I'm simply not good enough.

At least I think it's the depression. I hope it's the depression, because if it's not, that means all these things I don't want to believe are true.