Friday, January 26, 2007

Going through the motions

I'm still exhausted and numb from this past week.

Yesterday's counseling session went well. My counselor said in all the time I've been seeing her (a few years), she's never seen me cry in a session, until yesterday. I thought I had one other time, but still, if it's twice in a few years, that says something. I guess I have strong defenses.

Today I have no motivation, no energy, no anticipation for Shabbat. I yearn for the times when the rituals are meaningful and powerful. Today I'm afraid I'll just be going through the motions.

I'm a little anxious about going to shul tomorrow. I'm not sure if I really want to be seen right now or not. If I am, I'm not sure how I'll handle it. If I'm not, will it be a disappointment or a relief? I don't know.

A good Shabbos to all.


Ayelet said...

Not to cry for years at therapy?! I didn't know that was possible. That's a good thing that you did, then.

Sholom said...

When Shabbos becomes meaningless, and you find yourself "going through the motions", it's time to experiment with anti-nomianism.

Rivka said...

Ayelet: I've spent decades building my defenses. And I spend a lot of time in my head, not my heart. Easier to talk about my feelings than actually feel them.
Even easier to talk about what I think about my feelings. :)

Sholom: Law and ritual are as much a part of me as my emotions, it seems. To turn my back on that would be to deny a huge part of myself, among other things. Sometimes I just have to act as if. Sometimes I approach the rituals feeling like I'm going through the motions and then the motions themselves spark something in me.

Friday afternoon, I thought welcoming Shabbat was something I had to do. Now I realize it did something for me.