Thursday, January 11, 2007

I have confidence in something... maybe?

I just got my blog listed with some of the J-blog aggregators and was looking at what others are posting. There's always a part of me wondering if someone might dare post the same sort of thing, how they're really feeling on the inside, behind the safety of presumed anonymity and a computer screen.

And then this post caught my eye. My first thought was, How funny! - I wonder if anyone will do it?

My second thought was, I wish I could do something like that. No, I take that back. I wish I could do something like that and have people do it.

But I'm convinced, without ever having tried, that no one would. Isn't that sad? Because already my self-worth is tied up in how many visitors I have (20 at last count) or how many comments I have (none as of this writing) or how many people might link to me, were I to try something funny and confident and utterly not tied to self-worth.

My mind says my blog has only been up for two days, and it takes time to build readers. My mind says not everyone is interested in reading what it's like to live as a Jew with a mental illness (Oy I HATE that term!). My mind reminds me that I'm keeping this blog for me, not for readers, and though readers and support would be nice, they're not necessary.

My heart, on the other hand, feels like trying the same thing would be a setup for failure, a way to "prove" (though there's no proof actually involved) to myself that all my worst thoughts are true.

I so admire people who can do something confident and funny like this and who get a response and it still doesn't affect their sense of who they are. I'd like to have that kind of confidence. Until then, I'm left with, as the song goes, having confidence in sunshine, confidence in rain, confidence that spring will come again, and we'll work on the me part.

13 comments:

The Town Crier said...

welcome to the sphere

smb said...

Welcome, just remember if you're doing the best you can in life, that's what counts and makes you a great person.

Ezzie said...

Welcome. :) Relax and enjoy - the hits will never get that high, but the J-blogosphere is a fun place to be (usually).

Rivka said...

the town crier: thank you!

smb: thanks, I have to keep reminding myself of that, and not get caught up in what if my best isn't good enough?

ezzie: thank you, I'm just amazed at how much is out there. I love the wedding picture, a reminder that there is always a simcha to fall back on.

Ezzie said...

Yes, there's quite a bit out there... your post below this was excellent. It's not negative so much as showing what issues need to be addressed - that's so incredibly important.

Jack's Shack said...

Thanks for the link and welcome to the wild and woolly blogosphere. It is a good place.

Jack's Shack said...

I so admire people who can do something confident and funny like this and who get a response and it still doesn't affect their sense of who they are. I'd like to have that kind of confidence. Until then, I'm left with, as the song goes, having confidence in sunshine, confidence in rain, confidence that spring will come again, and we'll work on the me part.

Sometimes you just have to try. You never know what can happen until you do.

Rivka said...

Ezzie: thank you, I'm glad that post spoke to you. And thank you so very much for the link on your website. I do think that these "hidden" disabilities need to be seen more, but my experience is that people don't want to listen to those of us who live it. They're much more interested in hearing the doctors and professors and rabbis, too many of whom don't really understand. Meanwhile, all I can do is write my reality. Your support means a lot to me.

Jack: you have a very light and fun side and I like that about you, and I don't even know you. You're right, sometimes one just has to try. I can't quite yet get past the fear that everyone's reaction would be, who does she think she is and why is she so full of herself? At the same time, that wasn't my reaction at all to your "Link to Jack Day." I can't yet reconcile the two, but I'll keep working on it.

Jack's Shack said...

Rivka,

I also have a dark side. I worry and wonder about so many things. I have blogged about many of them. If you are curious try the drop down menus on the right side of my blog.

The one thing that I know from experience is that usually the only thing that prevents me from doing something is me.

It is hard to set aside fear. Sometimes it is just a matter of taking the day minute by minute.

Life has its moments.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound preachy or condescending.

Ezzie said...

No problem.

A good friend noted the "stigma" people still have of people with such issues, which is probably tied into the way they treat people. As they're trying to help them, they still view them differently.

Rivka said...

Jack: you don't sound preachy or condescending at all. I'll spend some more time on your blog; you have interesting things to say.

Ezzie: I think the stigma is better than it used to be. Especially with celebrities talking about their experiences and so many people (for the right reasons or not) on antidepressants and other emotion-altering medications, it's a little easier to talk about. More so for depression. Less so for bipolar and worst of all for schizophrenia. Public education seems to be the key.

I don't know what to do with my "stand" on all this. I want people to understand that people with a major emotional disorder are different (as in, we can't just "snap out of it"), but at the same time, we're not weird or abnormal or psychotic (usually).

:-)

Ezzie said...

Well, FWIW, I think a blog like this - with its openness and frankness - can have at least a small impact in this little corner of the world, if not more. How does the commercial go? "The more you know..."

Rivka said...

Ezzie: thank you. I'd like to hope that maybe the next time someone sees a person at shul, for instance, who seems withdrawn, or someone who stops coming unexpectedly, they think of this blog and try to reach out.