Inconsistent

I know I said here that I wanted a break, wanted to withdraw. That's true.

Then here I asked you to say hi and sit for a while. That's true too.

And the inconsistency is bothering me. I can't quite figure out why it's inconsistent or why it bothers me, but it seems to be and it does.

I had a hugely painful night last night. I touched a nerve somewhere about giving and taking and selfishness and the ability to accept help. It left me questioning my contribution to my marriage, my contribution to anyone, my value to the world. It was all very much in doubt, and I think it's because I finally put my finger on a topic so central to healing. I cried hard enough to rupture blood vessels around my eyes.

I'd been worried about someplace I had to be today but my youngest woke in the middle of the night with a fever and sore throat. It hurts to see him sick, yet at the same time I couldn't help but think that, with the timing, G-d "works in mysterious ways."

I won't have to leave home until tonight when I'm attending, G-d willing, a lecture on a Jewish topic dear to me. I can't elaborate, but I'm looking forward to going. And I think it will be quite well attended and I can hide in the crowds. It's easy to be alone in a large group of people.