Existing

I'm so tired and emotionally numb. My motivation for getting through the day is that Mandy is on tonight. It's silly, my little infatuation. It's not even so much that he's quite handsome, though he is. It's that there's something about his eyes, that I can almost believe he would understand how I feel. I crave that.

My husband has been very tired lately. He's working hard, picking up the slack I leave because I can only do so much right now. I feel guilty that I can't do more. I feel guilty for adding to his burden. I feel guilty for not spending as much time with my children as I could. At the same time, I feel like I have nothing left to give.

I want to sleep all the time. Everything takes such effort. I did get up, get dressed, fed myself and my child. My hair is uncombed and I don't care. I'm wearing the same shirt I did yesterday and I don't care. And then I feel guilty for not caring.

The pharmacy called yesterday. My refill for my medication hasn't been approved yet because they can't get a hold of my doctor. I placed the refill order late last week. Now I'm out. Two nights of missing my meds and this could spiral out of control. My husband called and they said they can give out a few since I'm out, until they can get the refill approval from my doctor.

I don't know why this is so hard. The last time I saw my doctor, I told her how the meds were working and about sometimes needing to go from every other day to every day. She supported that. She didn't need to see me until late 2007 unless something changed. I don't know why my prescription wouldn't extend until then. It's overwhelming to me.

I feel like I'm whining, like just stating how I feel is complaining. I don't want to whine, complain, wallow in negativity. I just want to feel better, get my energy back, get my enjoyment from life back.

I have to be at shul this week. No option. I don't know if I have enough energy to put on my public face, but I'm still scared to cry at shul again. Too much. I just want to go to sleep.