Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Four more hours

I'm shaking. My hands are trembling and my legs feel weak and it's hard to think. Facing the day seems so huge, so difficult. I've barely slept the past few nights, a few hours here and there, and the anxiety that comes with my depression sometimes reaches the point of being unbearable.

Yesterday my husband worked from home while I somehow made it through the day. I read a lot and thought a lot about my Depression as adversary post, if that would work as well in practice as it seemed to in theory. I still like the theory, but it seems I still need tools to fight the adversary. The perspective itself is not enough.

Today my husband is back at work and offered to come home early to run some errands so I don't have to leave home. I am grateful to him for that. I just need to breathe and calm myself through the next four hours.

I sent email to four friends yesterday. It was a big step. I summarized what was going on. I said this particular depressive episode was probably the worst one in three years, which my husband originally observed. I said I was slowly climbing out but not ready to be social yet. I didn't talk about my diagnosis or get into any more detail other than going through a depression. I didn't ask them for anything. I'm not sure what I would ask for.

One friend who knows me very well replied and was sympathetic. I haven't yet heard from the other three.

No comments: