Thursday, February 1, 2007

I don't know what happened

This afternoon went okay; I was fine, my friend is coping as well as can be expected. I spent some time this evening cursing tweaking my computer. Things were good so long as I stayed out of my emotions. And then something happened and I don't know what and it all came out. I wanted so badly to do harmful things to myself. I didn't. But I wanted to so bad.

I got one of those animated e-cards from a friend today saying she missed me and was here for me. I saw so clearly that she cares, that there are wonderful, loving, caring people out there and all I can think is WHY?? People are not supposed to care about me, that's what I learned years ago over and over again. I want to be witty and warm and thoughtful and generous and intelligent and helpful and maybe even a tiny bit wise and humble, of course humble, but I can't when I have this black cloud over my head or in my head and I can't see.

I can't tell people I have this thing because when it breaks me down and consumes me and spits out what's left, I'm afraid no one wants to see that or be near it. I want to tell my friend of the e-card but she's one of the few close local friends I have and if she knew, really knew, then I might not have that friendship anymore.

...... yeesh, now I'm getting all self-critical and I hate this post and I just want to tear it down and pretend tonight didn't happen but I promised myself I'd give this a try, be honest with what I'm really feeling and stop hiding it from everyone and I can't do that if I'm hiding it from here too. I just want the hurting to stop.


Anonymous said...

There ia a loving person struggling to come alive under your black cloud.

Rivka said...

Anon: thank you. I'm working on seeing that the black cloud isn't the same as me.